Recently, we gave some workshops on resilience and courage. I’m here to tell you that courage is where it’s at. Stuff resilience! Go for courage! Courage is the new resilience. The way science talks about resilience it makes you think that you either have it or you don’t (not true) and that we understand resilience (we don’t). You can’t be taught resilience but you can be taught how to be courageous.
Read MoreIt’s time to apply courage to your life. Learning and practicing courage is a truckload of work and there is no quick fix. It will take effort; but this effort will be worthwhile and it will get easier.
Read MoreImagine you’re part of a study: you lie down in a functional MRI machine which looks at blood flow inside your brain. You’re staring at a live snake on a movable trolley not too far away. The snake moves; it eyes you off; you eye the snake off. Your task is to force yourself to do what you fear: move it closer and closer to your head. You can push the snake away anytime you want, no hard feelings, experiment over, but you’re asked to be determined.
Read MoreCourage means ‘of the heart’. It is not something you are born with, it is something you learn and practice. Unfortunately, many people think courage means not feeling fear even in the face of danger. Then the rest of us feel judged and defeated because no-one can do this.
Read MoreHave you every felt uncomfortable in a foreign country? Ever been alone and lost in a place where you didn’t understand the language? Locals may stare at you, then talk quickly to each other with wild hand gestures, then look back at you. Their intention was to help you, but somewhere in the back of your mind you wondered if they were plotting to kidnap you. Their good intention may have impacted you badly simply out of language barriers and cultural difference. Because of culture and language, there can be a gulf between intention and impact.
Read MoreWhenever we speak, we share our thoughts and feelings as well as raw information. Through feelings underneath the words, we literally give others a piece of our mind. Written words are very different to spoken words. Written words are next to lifeless on a page, but when someone speaks to us, there’s always emotion and intent; we feel their ‘feelings underneath,’ we feel their presence. There’s always a small possibility of aggression when two humans meet, so the impact of spoken words can immediately be comforting or confronting. Spoken words are loaded not only with information as in a text-book, but also with the intentions, desires and emotions of a living mind. These convey acceptance and goodwill, or rejection and ill-will. (And you thought “hello” just meant “hello”.)
Read MoreWe humans are sly, and can use this to our advantage. Through the social brain, we transmit ‘feelings underneath’ which can be loaded with subliminal messages: I like you, you disgust me, I want to have sex with you, you’re being unfair, that hurt, I’m bored with you, and more. These messages can be felt by others but can be denied by us because we didn’t use words. This saves our reputation but hides our real intentions.
Read MoreIn our current cultural climate, there’s a conflict between people who value free speech and people who value political correctness to avoid “micro-aggressions”. Laws can be passed which protect one over the other. It’s a balance. Our ideal is to preserve free speech while minimizing micro-aggressions.
Read MoreDo the culture wars have you walking on egg-shells? Does political correctness leave you too anxious to talk to anyone? Have you ever had a situation where you thought you were being helpful but ended up offending someone? Has anyone ever taken offence at your jokes? But I didn’t intend to insult you! You took it the wrong way! I didn’t mean it!
Read MoreNot all “friendships” are good friendships. Many involve networking, social climbing, mutual ego-stroking, or just plain circumstance. If you can take these away, what is left, may be genuine friendship. A real friend always wants the best for you.
Read MoreOf course I talk to my friends. Yeah, maybe, but there may also be an inner dialogue going on: I hope I don’t say the wrong thing; I’d really like us to get closer and understand each other, but I don’t want to say the wrong thing so I’ll say nothing about that.
Read MoreHas someone close to you ever done something hurtful? Something you just couldn’t get over? Sometimes friends prove not to be friends, but users and stealers; most of the time, however, friends can be hurtful just by being themselves, by saying the wrong thing, by doing something silly, by being thoughtless, or just by being a human being.
Read MoreWhen we make a friend, we experience and understand what getting close to someone means and feels like: we care more for them and know more about them. We identify with them and see some of ourselves in them. That’s empathy. That’s “walking in their shoes” just a little more to imagine what life is like for them. The brain is
Read MoreFor a better world, listen more, talk less. Listen to friends, listen to family members, to strangers, to children, adults, colleagues, anyone. If we all learnt as much about listening at school as we did about trigonometry, this world would be much friendlier. Seriously. It’s a skill we could all use. With it, we’d be closer to understanding each other in the culture wars.
Read MoreWhen you first meet someone, you’re looking for common ground: Do you like retro art too? Are you into Indie Rock? So what do you do for a living? Ever been to Europe? Have you been hurt too? All of these questions look for one thing: common ground; a common basis on which to communicate and build trust. Science tells us that
Read MoreAccording to Aristotle, there are three types of friendship:
1. Useful friends (colleagues, college buddies, network contacts)
2. Pleasure friends (who share interests: a gym-pal, friend with benefit)
3. Good friends (who share mutual respect, admiration and growth)
A “Useful friend” is a work colleague, college buddy, or someone who is a useful part of your life’s purpose.
Read MoreMany years ago, a friend told me You know Christian, if you just say the wrong thing, you can lose a good friend. Wow! I was shocked. I couldn’t believe it. So I told him You’re wrong, you jerk, so piss off, I never want to see you again. (only joking)
The problem is, though, experience has taught me that he was right. Thanks to rising hyper-individualism
Read MoreYes, people can hurt you. This final post is for people who need to calm down their Amygdala fears and anxieties, to allow them to have the courage and vulnerability to make their relationships their greatest assets; to trust people again.
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