Listening to friends
For a better world, listen more, talk less. Listen to friends, listen to family members, to strangers, to children, adults, colleagues, anyone. If we all learnt as much about listening at school as we did about trigonometry, this world would be much friendlier. Seriously. It’s a skill we could all use. With it, we’d be closer to understanding each other in the culture wars.
This is post 4 in a series of 8 to help you make and keep friends. It’s based on the acronym “ACCEPT”:
1. Appreciate others’ strengths; Accept their weaknesses
2. Common ground: find it
3. Centre in on them by listening
4. Empathize: walk in their shoes
5. Pardon and apologize
6. Talk gently, but do talk
“Them” is anyone you have as a friend, want as a friend or meet as a person.
We all like to have good conversations, but listening is different. A conversation is a two-way street: you can let fly with your beliefs, judgments and opinions just as much as someone else can. That way you share, agree or disagree. In a listening session, however, you centre all your focus in on the person you’re listening too. When I listen to music, I centre in on the music, when I listen to a person I centre in on the person. Listening to a person makes them feel great; they feel more alive experiencing that someone else “gets” them. Listening is a gift you give to others, it’s a great gift to friends. So I’ll give you my six principles of listening, based on the work of psychologist Carl Rogers.
ACCEPT: Centre in on them by Listening
There are six things you need to know to be a good listener.
1. Have listening EARS
2. Listening is “being there” for the other person
3. Listening is not a conversation, it is a one-way street
4. Listening means shelving your beliefs and judgments
5. Listening is not problem-solving, and
6. Listening takes trust.
1. Having “listening EARS” is the structure to a listening session. Listening is a conscious thing. In a conversation you just exchange ideas however you want. In listening you take a step back and make sure you listen for them. It involves
E: Establishing an Environment to Encourage listening (private, with time).
A: Asking questions.
R: Repeating what the other person says to show you’re listening.
S: Summarizing the Situation.
This E-A-R-S approach makes for a well-rounded listening session. A listening session could be 3 minutes or 3 hours, but they all have this format.
2. BE THERE for the other person. While you’re listening, it’s about them not you. I am here to listen, to hear and understand what they have to say, and accept them.
3. LISTENING IS A ONE-WAY STREET. Listening can be difficult because it puts you in a subservient role for a while. Get them talking about 80% of the time. That’s why you ask questions. You’ll need to check yourself to make sure you aren’t talking too much. It’s not a conversation, it’s a listening session. This deepens friendship.
4. SHELVE YOUR BELIEFS AND JUDGMENTS. Beliefs and judgments naturally bring conflict. That’s fine for conversation, but, in listening, you allow them to express any opinion as strongly as they like. You want them to feel free to do this, or else they filter what they say, or stop speaking altogether. Shelve your beliefs and judgments. Imagine being like a sponge: just soaking up their information and emotions. To listen, be a friendly, interested sponge so your friend feels accepted.
5. LISTENING IS NOT PROBLEM-SOLVING. Problem-solving means you add information to drive forward to an outcome. A friend may feel “forced” to take your advice. This is not listening. A listening session may lead to a problem-solving session; but often it doesn’t. Listening is helpful even if problems remain unsolved. It builds trust; it understands and accepts. Often, a talker wants to be listened to, but the listener thinks the talker wants a problem solved.
Marg: I just hate it when Suzie keeps taking my time up with trivial things.
Fred: Then stop talking to her.
Marg: I don’t want you to solve my problem, I just want you to listen.
Marg: Fred, the suitcase it on the floor.
Fred: How do you feel about that, Marg?
Marg: It makes me angry. I want you lift it onto the top of that cupboard.
Fred: I thought you just wanted me to listen rather than problem-solve.
6. LISTENING TAKES TRUST. Anyone talking to you needs to trust you with thoughts, feelings, insecurities, hopes, dreams and information. As a listener, your job is to be trustworthy and to hold information in confidence. Don’t blab to others. Keep information private.
If you become a great listener, you become a great friend. Of course, you will feel good when your friends can listen to you too, but … listen first. To find a friend, to keep a friend, to deepen a friendship, it helps to listen, to understand, and to accept.
Thanks for listening,
Dr Christian Heim
Want to find out how to stop judging others? Have a listen…