How to talk to a friend
Of course I talk to my friends. Yeah, maybe, but there may also be an inner dialogue going on: I hope I don’t say the wrong thing; I’d really like us to get closer and understand each other, but I don’t want to say the wrong thing so I’ll say nothing about that.
This is post 7 in a series of 8 posts to help you accept others to help make and keep friends. It’s based on the acronym “ACCEPT”:
1. Appreciate others’ strengths; Accept their weaknesses
2. Common ground: find it
3. Centre in on them by listening
4. Empathize: walk in their shoes
5. Pardon and apologize
6. Talk gently, but do talk
“Them” is anyone you have as a friend, want as a friend or meet as a person. Here we’re looking at the final item: talk gently, but do talk.
I started this series sharing that a friend of mine said Christian, you know if you say the wrong thing, you can lose a friendship. He was right, which is why, if you’re going to talk below-the-surface-stuff, talk but talk gently.
Whenever we talk to a friend, we “lean” on the trust that has already been built in the friendship, be it over twenty years, twenty days or twenty minutes. It’s always about building trust and then leaning on that trust to deepen the friendship. The trouble is that we can sometimes think that we have built up more trust than we actually have, or we’re afraid that there’s less trust than there is, so we don’t go deeper. If you are the one wanting to “go deeper” in a friendship, then you’re likely more comfortable going deeper; your friend may not be. Respect them. Know your comfort level, try to gauge theirs, and know the level of your friendship.
Remember Aristotle’s 3 friend-types: Useful friend, pleasure friend and good friend? Well, talking to these different friends is different.
TALK TO A USEFUL FRIEND like a colleague or college buddy by keeping it light. Maybe even hold back some of your stronger opinions on current topics. You can talk about what you share in common: the people you work for, some college classes, whatever. Check when you disclose something new: are you OK that I said that?
TALK TO A PLEASURE FRIEND about the things you have in common. That reinforces your friendship. Check when you disclose something new: are you OK that I said that?
TALK TO A GOOD FRIEND about anything, ideally, depending on the level of trust you have built over the years. But they need to be able to emotionally handle anything you share with them and people don’t like to be criticized or confronted (remember that). saying something really real takes trust. Check when you disclose something new: are you OK that I said that?
TO DEEPEN A FRIENDSHIP, you’ll have to take risks. Disclose something you wish to disclose then see if your friend matches your disclosure by sharing something with you. If they do, great, your friendship deepens, if not, then it won’t deepen (or maybe it will in the future; give it time). Yours may be the kind of friendship that doesn’t rely on good conversations, maybe it relies on shared experiences only. Still. Check when you disclose something new: are you OK that I said that?
In all cases, be gentle, be calm. To get through this situation, I want to introduce to you the idea that a friendship is like a tree.
A friendship is like a tree, so BE CALM
Problems will batter your friendship like tempests and strong winds batter large trees. Storms can sway a tree and strengthen its branches, trunk, and roots, but one sudden gust or lightning bolt can snap the tree. Discuss your concerns with a friend like a gentle or firm breeze. Don’t come out with guns blazing like a huge gust of wind; and don’t suddenly drop some lightning bolt of a criticism. Gentle does it. Aim to be truthful, gentle and kind. Really personal stuff can only be shared with a good friend, not a pleasure friend or a useful friend.
In discussing sensitive issues with anyone close, BE CALM:
BEgin by affirming the relationship: I really value our friendship.
BE gentle, generous, accepting, and forgiving. Be gentle with words, tones of voice, actions and suggestions. Be generous and think about your friend’s needs. Be accepting of them and be forgiving when you need to be.
Choose a time and space Conducive to Conversation. Make it private, comfortable, undisturbed, unhurried, calm, and perhaps with a tea, coffee, wine or beer.
Ask questions for information. Ask permission if you want to share something: can I share something personal with you? Ask. And check: are you OK that I said that?
Listen. Get to know their point of view on any topic.
Move forward in your friendship. Turn information into an action plan. Is there anything in your friendship that needs to change? Anything that needs to be accepted? Move forward to grow as friends.
So TALK, but talk gently, know the level of your friendship, and BE CALM.
Cheers
Dr Christian Heim