How to deepen a friendship
When you first meet someone, you’re looking for common ground: Do you like retro art too? Are you into Indie Rock? So what do you do for a living? Ever been to Europe? Have you been hurt too? All of these questions look for one thing: common ground; a common basis on which to communicate and build trust. The pathway down Aristotle’s 3 friendship types (last post) involves uncovering more and deeper common ground. “Useful friends” thrown together by circumstance, progress to become “Pleasure friends” by sharing common ground, and become “Good friend” if they take the time and courage to find even deeper common ground.
Science tells us that it’s natural for us humans to get along and like each other.[i] But with the modern madness of screen technology and hyper-individuality, this natural process isn’t happening. Still, it can be done if you look for common ground through your words, actions and intentions. If you find common ground, then you’re more likely to make and keep a friend.
I’ve treated a lot of war veterans, particularly from Afghanistan. People fighting a common enemy, risking their lives to do an important job. The shared experience of a tour in Afghanistan becomes the common ground which is the basis of a lot of friendships. Often nothing needs to be said, two people can just understand each other and be good friends because of the shared experience. Sometimes, however, the experience can be too intense, so people go out of their way to avoid people who shared the experience. Each person is different.
ACCEPT: find Common ground with me too
The way to find Common ground is to be curious: ask questions, gently and in a non-threatening way, but ask questions, then listen. You know you’ve reached Common ground when you get to me too. With the me too experience, you can go deeper with your friend on Common ground topics such as:
I love dogs. What about you? (me too)
I hate this music. What about you? (me too)
My parents didn’t understand me. What about you? (mine neither)
These things can get quite personal; they open up your vulnerability. The me too experience helps people value each other, and themselves. It’s powerfully bonding when two people share personal topics and moments. But, keep an eye out for how your friend actually is coping. Not everybody wants to be vulnerable, and not everybody can be vulnerable. That’s OK. It takes trust. You actually need to find Common ground in level of disclosure and level of vulnerability.
In group therapy, people learn to trust each other so that it becomes safer to be more vulnerable. Then, they can share things they usually wouldn’t. Others listen, understand and accept, it can become a powerful experience:
I thought I was the only one who felt like that.
I told her, “It wasn’t your fault,” then I realized that I blame myself too.
We talked for a long time and made a real connection.
What he shared really took guts, and I said, “I know what you mean.”
For the first time, I felt like someone really understood me.
When people start sharing their stories, you discover something striking: everyone has a similar story; we’re not so different after all; we’re not alone; we can relate. Sometimes other people are overwhelmed, me too. We all leave things undone; we all get things wrong, me too. Nobody’s perfect, but we all try. We all fail and we all succeed somewhere. We all want to be loved, to be accepted, to belong, to be useful and to be true to our selves, me too. This is all Common ground.
Be real. Let your social mask drop down just a little, and watch others do the same. Under the mask you’ll find more Common ground. The ultimate Common ground is being human and negotiating this crazy thing called life.
One problem with friendships is that we’re afraid to lose the friendship so we don’t dig deeper for Common ground, we stay in the shallow safe water. Before you know it, you’ve spent 15 years with a friend and you don’t know them deeper than recipes or baseball. This is OK if it’s what you want, but there’s more if you want it.
Also listen. Listening builds trust even if you can’t find much common ground. You can listen to how to sail a yacht even if you’ve never been near water. Listening is the most powerful tool you have to make a connection, with or without Common ground. I’ll elaborate next post.
A high art is making a friend of someone you don’t like. Seriously. Do this by looking for Common ground while respecting differences: theists and atheists, conservatives and liberals, can all be great friends. The common ground is mutual respect and being two human beings just trying to get through life. You could make a friend of just about anybody.
Aim to tolerate and accept areas of disagreement; lean on the trust already built up in the friendship. Superficial friendships don’t allow for areas of disagreement, they have to let sleeping dogs lie, they don’t talk about difficult areas. What level is your friendship really at? The deeper, the more trust, the more you can dare to be yourself. But even when uncovering areas of disagreement, remember the safety and shallow waters of comfortable Common ground. You may need it if the waters get a little murky.
To find out more of how to be a good friend, watch this clip!