Men, break the chain of strong negative emotions (2)
In this last post, we look at handling triggers, reactions and letting go of emotions. Last post we broke the first two links in the chain:
HURT to
POOL OF
UNRESOLVED
EMOTIONS to
TRIGGERS to
REACTION to
HANGING ON.
Here we’ll break the last three.
Triggers
A trigger is something that sets you off: a car back-firing is a trigger to those who have been in combat, words can be triggers if a parent belittled you constantly, someone raising their voice is a trigger if past arguments lead to violence. Anything can be a trigger. The way to break this link, is to know your triggers, be aware of them and be ready for them.
KNOW YOUR TRIGGERS. Last post I asked you to write down your hurts and your strong negative emotions. You now know them and understand them. Now it’s time to know your triggers and be aware of them. Again, write them down. Think of what people say or do, what makes you jump, what scares you, make you see red, or what touches a raw nerve in you. A trigger is a reminder of abuse, trauma or hurt. It’s natural to avoid triggers, but I’m asking you to be aware of them and be ready for them.
Forewarned is forearmed.
Knowing your triggers means more of a chance to respond reasonably, the way you want, rather than react the way you don’t want. Emotions are connected to the body, you can’t just “control” them or your reactions. With time and practice, however, you can have a set, rehearsed response ready for when you are triggered.
Respond reasonably rather than react
A reasonable response is chosen by you: good words and responsible actions. A reaction is what your body does automatically: shout, raise fists, heart pounds. After a trigger, take time to choose a response, even while you feel reactions. Take a deep breath and count to ten before doing or saying anything. Think: Joe, think, this is a trigger, think, what response do you want?
Rehearse a response. Rehearsing a response means more control. Try one of the following:
A prepared and rehearsed set of words.
A prepared action, like going for a walk, a run, or taking a toilet break.
Prepared self-talk: that’s a trigger, careful, careful, think, think!
The STOP-THINK-GO technique.
The STOP-THINK-GO technique is like a traffic light RED-YELLOW-GREEN. Red means stop, yellow means wait, green means go. It gives you something to think even while you feel a strong emotion:
When you feel the trigger,
STOP what you are doing,
THINK about the emotion, choose an action, then
GO and act or speak safely.
GO with a good response: safe words, safe actions. You will feel more in control but the responses need to be planned and rehearsed beforehand.
RED: When you see red because you’re triggered
STOP everything.
YELLOW:
THINK. Which emotion is this? Repeat “Keep thinking, keep thinking. What’s safe to say and do? Think!” Think, then choose your words and actions.
GREEN:
GO; put your safe choice into action. Respond don’t react.
This technique allows you time to choose a reasonable response.
Let go, don’t hang on
Some people can hang on to bad emotions for decades, but you can learn and practice the skill of letting go of strong, negative emotions. After a trigger, after your response, let go, don’t hang on.
To do this, we use the letting go skills of last post: breathing and urinating, things you do every day. There’s tension when you hang on, but relaxation when you let go. To make this more effective for letting go of strong negative emotions, we will add some conscious imagination.
As you breathe in, imagine your lungs are full of the emotion you are experiencing: anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, whatever. As you breathe out, breathe out the emotion as well; expel the bad emotion out of your body, away from you, let it go. Feel how good it feels to experience the relaxation after the breathing out, after the emotion has left your body.
As you urinate, imagine your body ridding itself of toxic emotions – anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, whatever – as it rids itself of toxins from your system now in your urine; forever gone. Flush the strong negative emotions down the toilet.
These exercises are not just a game. They link your decision-making thoughts in your orbito-frontal cortex with your limbic system emotions with your body. Your brain with “get it.”
Unpleasant tension when holding a breath or strong negative emotions.
Pleasant relaxation when letting go of a breath or strong negative emotions.
This helps clear your pool of volcanic sludge. This makes way for more relaxing emotions in the pool of your mind: calm, serenity, hope, joy, tranquillity, comfort and even love.
Breaking the links of the triggers, reactions and hanging on means all links of the chain are broken. You can now focus on the newer chain of resolved emotions:
LESS
HURT to
POOL OF
RESOLVED
EMOTIONS to
AWARENESS
OF TRIGGERS to
REASONABLE
RESPONSES to
LETTING GO.
This sets you up for a mind full of more pleasant emotions. But it takes continued effort. Every day, as least while breathing. It’s worth the daily practice for a mind filled with clearer emotions.
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