Men, Break the chain of strong negative emotions (1)
In this post, we look at stopping hurt and clearing the pool of unresolved strong negative emotions before a build up of sludge. The first link to break is the hurt.
First link: Hurt
Hurt leads to our sludge-pool of unresolved emotions deep inside. If there were less hurt in the world, there would be less unresolved emotions lurking inside. Much of life is competition: someone wins or loses, that’s why we love our sport. Winning feels good and losing hurts, but it’s an OK lesson. Here we’re talking about deeper hurts: harsh dads, abuse, broken relationships, failures.
Decide to have less hurt in this world. Decide I won’t add to the world’s hurt. As far as possible, don’t hurt others. This puts you on the side of “good” and you can and will feel good about that. This is no trivial point. It seriously helps you feel good about yourself. Make the decision right now.
Well done.
But what about when others hurt us? We can’t always stop them. But we can reframe the problem: see it in a different, more helpful way. Here’s the reframe: it’s their problem. It may hurt you, but you’re still good, they’re being the dicks spreading their crap around. Don’t join them.
Then, don’t let their crap inside. Don’t sweat their stuff. This is difficult, but knowledge and reason help. Know the following:
It’s not my crap, I don’t want it.
I want to let go of their problem.
I can choose to forgive them.
I don’t need to hurt others. Stuff them.
Each statement is self-evidently true. They aren’t hopeful affirmations. They make sense. these statements arouses your will – what you want – you the driver, the decision-maker. Your will lies in your brain’s orbito-frontal cortex. Choose to drive towards a pool of resolved emotions.
Decide. I don’t want their crap (but I have to resolve and let go of the emotions they created). Be aware. Name the emotion. Feel it but let it go.
Elsewhere I talk about the power of forgiveness. I’ve written a book on it. It isn’t easy, it’s damn hard, but it has amazing benefits for you. Any method of forgiveness is worthwhile; it’s better than taking on someone else’s crap. It helps let go of hurt before it enters you. To help forgive, my method suggests you Decide to forgive, Accept what happened, Understand why it happened, Pardon the offender, Give them a gift of release, Let go of your emotions, and finally Overlook the event. It’s a long worthwhile process.
Next link: Pool of unresolved emotions
Breaking this link takes effort. Hurts from childhood, trauma, abuse, failures and broken relationships accumulate inside as a pool of sludge, a volcano of strong, negative emotions. This can make your mind a dangerous place. Don’t go into this bad neighborhood unless you’re safe. Some people need professional protection: a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist. If that’s you, get the help. It’s worth it.
If you feel safe enough, however, look into the pool of your mind. Find your unresolved emotions and resolve them. Here’s how.
Know them Accept them Understand them Lay them to rest.
KNOW THEM. Nobody fights an enemy without intel. A good coach studies the opponent’s strengths and weaknesses. You need to know your unresolved emotions. Write down your answers to the following.
What are your strong negative emotions? Anger, fear, resentment, cynicism?
What past experiences led to these emotions? Harsh parents, trauma, failure, loss of love?
You now have knowledge rather than just feelings. You know. This is power, you’re more in control.
ACCEPT THEM. This doesn’t mean making friends with them, it just means realizing that they’re a problem:
Don’t accept the problem, just accept that you have a problem.
Don’t accept your anger or fear, just accept that they are problems for you. Don’t accept divorce, just accept that it happened to you. The aim is to accept realistically: this happened, this happened to me, it hurt. Ouch!
Acceptance takes away feelings of I shouldn’t feel this way and this shouldn’t have happened. It looks are reality: I feel this way. This happened. It leads to you take responsibility for your emotions rather than blame yourself for them.
You’re not to blame, but it’s your responsibility to resolve emotions.
UNDERSTAND THEM. Look up definitions for your emotions. Understand the emotion thoroughly and how an event led to that emotion. Understand how the emotion festers inside you and jerks you around. Read books on overcoming abuse, dealing with harsh dads or dealing with divorce, whatever. Get the information to help you understand and find solutions.
LAY THEM TO REST. You want past experiences and strong negative emotions to rest inside you: dead but not forgotten. They won’t go away, but you don’t want them alive and kicking. Do this by letting them go.
You let go every day. When you breathe in, there’s tension, then when you let go and breathe out, you feel relaxation. It’s like a tense emotion: let it go to laid it to rest. Just before you urinate you feel tension in your bladder but afterwards you feel release. It’s like a hurtful past event: tense to hold on to, let it go to lay it to rest.
Letting go is a skill to practice daily. When you urinate or breathe out, let go of negative emotions and hurtful past events. See it. Feel it. Let go of the door handle to move forward, let go of old beliefs to make way for the new, let go of past habits to build new ones. You’re already good at this skill. Use it to lay things to rest.
Knowing, accepting, understanding and laying to rest helps resolve strong negative emotions so that the pool of your mind is clearer.
That’s two links broken in the chain.
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