Value clashes with the in-laws

In-laws. Complex. In-law value clashes add to your challenges. These clashes happen most strongly when young adults marry for the first time. Let’s navigate this minefield.

Committed

When first living together, many initial arguments are traditions and values from one family butting against traditions and values from the other.

 

We should eat salad first. (My family always ate salad first).

I want all savories served together (like my mother did).

 

Arguing is wrong. (My parents taught me to hold my tongue; keep it in.)

No it isn’t! (Mine never let the sun go down on wrath; they got it out.)

 

We should make all decisions together (like my parents did).

We could trust each other with different responsibilities (like my parents did).

We should plan things way ahead (my parents did).

It’s better to be spontaneous (my parents were).

Perhaps the couple should just get the in-laws together to argue about these things. Sometimes though, some people denigrate their parents rather than stick up for them, then appreciate them years later.

The in-laws

According to in-laws, there’s almost always conflict. I hear it in my office:

My daughter and I got on so well until she married ‘him’.

My son married so I lost him. It’s as though he doesn’t know me any more.

Things were great until we met the in-laws.

She’s OK but her family’s weird. We just don’t understand them.

Parents often think that their child’s changes are because of the new partner. They overlook things like leaving home, finishing studies, working, moving house, adjusting to the world, changing priorities, new goals, sex and substances stress, letting go of childhood security for adult responsibility, defining beliefs, consolidating an adult identity, leaving siblings and peers, oh, and adjusting to a love partner they hope will be accepted and loved by you.

We’ve got to get on with parents!

Couples often go to gallant efforts to resolve in-law values clashes. They genuinely try their best with two brains still blinded by love chemicals.

Some couples decide to ‘split’ themselves: I’ll spend some time alone with my parents, you with yours. This pleases the parents, but moving forward needs togetherness. Maybe a milder split: with your parents we’ll do this, with my parents try to be like this. This is better, but still split.

Another attempt is (subconsciously) choosing one set of parents’ values and coercing the “problem in-laws” to take on these values. If they don’t, they’ll stay the “problem parents.” This happens particularly when one of the couple is strong-willed and the other is more flexible.

In yet another attempt, the couple rejects both sets of values. This sounds independent and laudable but the new rebel values aren’t their own; they’re chosen in defiance. They’ll still need to forge their own truly independent values.

The healthiest approach is to be aware of the clash, seeing it as just a clash, and building boundaries to both sets of parents to allow space to forge new values. This takes principles and the ABCDEF skills.

Handling in-law values clashes

The aim is

Value your parents’ useful values while forging new ones with your partner.

Principles:

Be aware, as a couple, you’ll forge new values.

Understand both sets of parents’ values.

Don’t live by either.

Don’t expect parents to live by yours.

(Aim to speak truth kindly and to be truthfully kind.)

Here’s the ABBCDEF (note the extra B).

Acknowledge the clash of values; be Aware.

Blame no-one.

Build Boundaries.

Calmly Communicate the Clash: It’s just a clash of values, folks!

Discuss the situation (also with parents) for understanding.

Empathize. Aim to say We feel it too! We want to get past this too!

Find Fine Feelings underneath without Faking.

Building boundaries

A boundary is a fence; a barrier not to cross. As a child, your hopes, dreams, regrets and disappointments were your parents’ business. Now this changes. Your mother becomes the second most important person in your life, your father the third. You’ll need boundaries to pull it off. As a psychiatrist, the following are signs I see of poor boundaries and failure to adjust.

Priority of time and affection still given to parents over spouse.

Parents knowing details of your sex-life, budgeting and arguments.

Daily phone (and more) calls with mother.

Sharing secrets about your spouse or the in-laws.

Parents regularly visiting without arrangements.

These aren’t always unhealthy; they are “alerts” that perhaps the new structure isn’t being negotiated; that old & new aren’t being blended. Here are some specific suggestions.

Initially at least, prioritize affection for your parents over your in-laws. Blood is thicker than water. This keeps continuity of kinship and minimizes grief and jealousy. (If parents have been abusive, that’s different.)

Talk about value clashes; BE CALM. Couples could say to parents here are your values we appreciated, here we are different.

Parents, always prioritize affection for your child over your new child. You may get the son or daughter you’ve always wanted but keep natural kinship to minimize grief and jealousy.

Parents, understand that someone else is your child’s top priority. That’s good. How did you handle this decades ago?

With boundaries, new kinships can grow into a genuine us-and-two-sets-of-parents bigger family. Love will increase. In-law value clashes, handled with understanding, make a lifetime of sweet music.

 
 
ValuesChristian Heim