Value clashes in adult siblings
Handling a clash in values with an adult sibling is akin to handling it with a friend, but it includes several unique features. Let’s consider them.
The sibling relationship
You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family.
This saying applauds friends and laments family, but there are many advantages to family relationships we take for granted. The pitfalls of family include having to get on with people you’re forced to live with, sibling rivalry, children competing for limited parental affection, natural comparisons, and the influence of birth order: the eldest likely being over-conscientious, the youngest being indulged, and middle children feeling left out.
The family also has advantages: siblings shared understanding, shared DNA, shared psychological and cultural circumstance, and shared values. Siblings are often around the same age; they know you, your childhood, school, interests, and your strengths and weaknesses. They know your parents’ strengths and weaknesses. This is kinship: a sense of belonging we take for granted. We unfortunately tend not to put effort into these relationships, or spitefully reject them due to childhood issues. We can be affronted when siblings choose contrary life pathways. Yet family remain important throughout our lives. You can rejoice if you are close and lament if you have grown distant. This same situation exists with cousins (to a lesser extent).
Blood is thicker than water.
Friendship love, philia, is based on shared interests and affections. Love of siblings, storge, is based solely on belonging: on shared DNA, being kin, belonging to the same tribe or group in spite of individual differences. Like atheist Christopher Hitchens and his devote Christian brother Peter Hitchens, a sibling is a sibling for life.
We may see things differently, but I can love him as a brother.
A sibling, no matter how distant or different, has a right to show up at key important and emotionally-charged events: graduation, hospitalization, weddings, funerals, times of financial ruin, relationship break-up, milestone birthdays, success celebration and more. Given the natural birthright of shared kinship, value clashes are common.
I don’t understand the strange religion she’s into.
I don’t understand why he works for that political party.
I don’t understand why she expresses her gender and sexuality that way.
I don’t understand how my sister got mixed up with people who …
I don’t understand why he supports that miserable football club.
These all involve values clashes. And it doesn’t matter what religion, political party, gender or sexuality expression, people or football club your sibling has decided to join or express themselves through, they will still be your sibling and always will be. You can help stay emotionally harmonious by handling the values clash well.
Handling sibling value clashes
Be aware of your sibling’s values. They surely differ from yours.
Understand & accept your own values.
Know the family values you still share (they are many).
No need to live by your sibling’s values; be true to yours.
Don’t expect your sibling to live by yours; they’ll stay true to theirs.
Here’s the ABCDEF of handling value clashes with adult siblings.
Acknowledge and be Aware of the clash.
Blame no-one.
Calmly Communicate the Clash.
Discuss the clash to help understand and accept.
Find Fine Feelings underneath.
Some useful phrases for discussing a values clash with your sibling.
We’re finally adult enough to openly discuss this clash.
Let me listen to your point of view one more time.
Hey, you’re my sister, you can always talk to me about it.
I may not always agree with you, but I’ll always accept you.
You may not convince me, but I always want to understand you.
I can accept your unique values for you, but they’re not for me.
One of my values is the love of family, so I’ll always value you.
I don’t want this to get in the way of our kinship.
Me too! I want to get past this!
Another thing we can agree on: we disagree on this.
With value clashes in the context of adult siblings, remember that:
Clashes batter kinships like storms batter trees.
Yet storms strengthen trees.
A sudden lightning bolt or strong gust can snap a tree.
Discuss your concerns like a gentle to firm breeze.
Don’t drop a lightning bolt secret or thunderous criticism.
Aim, as far as you can, to speak truth kindly and to be truthfully kind.
Also, when discussing value clashes, BE CALM
BEgin by affirming your kinship; BE ready to accept & understand.
Choose a time and space Conducive to Conversation.
Ask What’s going right between us and what’s not?
Listen. Listen. Listen.
Move forward by accepting the difference; agree to disagree.
Sibling values clashes can be alarmingly disharmonious. Some dissonance may need resolving, other dissonance will need understanding and acceptance, but it is worth it for a lifetime of more harmony.
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