Value clashes in personal relationships
He spends too much time with buddies not enough time with me!
She just wants to work and work, I want more fun and down time!
She plans every minute of every weekend way ahead, I just want to relax.
He gets the family up early for the beach, I think it’s important to sleep in.
She wants to buy a new house, I want a big trip first.
He eats in front of a show, I like nightly chatty sit-down dinners.
All couples experience them: day-to-day value clashes leading to conflict. I hear it in Couple’s Therapy. Little conflicts seem trivial but they take their toll over the years; and I won’t discuss the big ones.
You said you didn’t want more kids! (I changed my mind.)
I want us to live on the East Coast! (No, West Coast.)
I’ve changed my mind, now I want to stay home for the kids.
You do what you like, but I won’t go to church anymore.
I want a dog, you want a cat.
What causes relationship conflict? Two things:
1 Problems outside the two of you (the economy, coronavirus, the kids’ schooling, in-laws creating havoc).
2 Problems between the two, from your different cultural backgrounds (we’ve always done things this way in my family), personality differences (that’s just the kind of person I am) or value clashes (I want this, you want that; I value this, you value that).
Whenever you say he’s just being a jerk or she’s just being really difficult find out what the problem really is. If the problem comes from outside the two of you, then you can team up to manage the problem (you and me against the world!) If it’s culture or personality then you need to be aware of it, understand it and, usually, accept it. When the answer is it’s a clash of values, here’s a way to handle it.
Acknowledge the values clash – hey, guess what? We have a clash of values! – the aim is to avoid blaming each other. It’s just a clash. Nobody is right or wrong. Then calmly communicate and gently discuss the clash to understand and accept it. When you emphasize being with each other and working together – share each other’s feelings on the matter to get that me too, I feel bad about this too feeling – then you’re on the same side. You’re a team again. The values clash will be a problem, someone will need to be generous, sacrificial and understanding, BUT, the important thing is that the feelings underneath will be much better. That’s good. The conflict can be accepted rather than resolved and resentment doesn’t need to build up.
Understanding, accepting and talking protect against anger and resentment.
So here’s the ABCDEF of handling value clashes in a personal love relationship.
Acknowledge the clash; be Aware of it.
Blame nobody. It’s just a values clash.
Calmly Communicate the Clash: We’re having a clash of values.
Discuss the situation to understand and accept it.
Empathize. Aim to get to me too! I feel that too! I want to get past it too!
Feelings underneath need to Feel Fine.
Rather than look for win/lose, right/wrong or problem/solved, understand and accept. Be a team with some spicy friction, not pretentiously perfect. Let it be.
Remember that:
Clashes batter your relationship like storms batter trees.
Yet storms strengthen trees.
A sudden lightning bolt or strong gust can snap a tree.
Discuss your concerns like a gentle to firm breeze.
Don’t suddenly drop a lightning bolt secret or thunderous criticism.
If you have a choice between being truthful and being kind,
Aim to speak truth kindly and to be truthfully kind.
Also, when discussing value clashes in a love relationship, BE CALM:
BEgin by affirming your love; BE gentle to accept & understand.
Choose a time and space Conducive to Conversation.
Ask What’s going right in our relationship and what’s not?
Listen. Listen. Listen.
Move forward by trying to change or trying to accept.
Then your unresolved values clashes may resonate as a spicy part of the greater music of your relationship.