Value clashes between young adults and their parents

Research confirms it; young adulthood is a time for values clashes with your parents, particularly if you live contrary to your parents’ values or marry into a family with different values. And isn’t that what happens to all of us? It probably happened to your parents as well, decades ago.

Values are instilled in us from birth by authority figures. Parents spend twenty or so years consciously or unconsciously pouring their values into you. They want you to live like them; what they believe is the right way. Is it any surprise that they buck up or can’t cope when you turn your back on them even a little? And yet, they want you to be independent (strange). Forging your own values is part of this independence but it results in conflict.

We don’t understand how you can turn your back on all you believe!

After all we’ve done for you!

Where did you get such silly ideas?

Where did we go wrong?

Some parents can’t let go. I have known some young adults to need to cut contact with parents for years until parents learn that they no longer own them. The aim in value clashes with your parents is understanding and acceptance rather than living by their rules or them accepting yours. As a parent, the aim of value clashes with your adult children is understanding and acceptance.

As a young adult

Be aware of your new, changing and growing values.

Understand your parents’ values (that should be easy).

No need to live by all parents’ values; be true to yours.

Don’t expect parents to live by your values; they’ll be true to theirs.

Remember that your parents’ values served your parents well for decades; so why should they change or accept anything new? Their values successfully got you to adulthood & independence; these are still a part of who you are now, so you can be grateful for them without accepting them all. Your new values and choices are part of the independent, real you; your parents can be proud of that too, if you manage to calmly communicate without expecting your parents to adopt or accept your values for themselves. It’s reasonable, however, to expect parents to accept your new values for you and to continue to love you amidst the values clash but this in not under your control.

As a parent of a young adult

Be aware of your child’s new, changing and growing values.

Understand & accept your own values.

No need to live by of your child’s values; be true to yours.

Don’t expect them to live by yours; they’ll stay true to their own. (That’s good.)

The values you instilled into your children are part of their success as independent adults. Adult independence was always your aim for your child. Although you feel the clashes at present, there are many more of your values that your child has adopted which aren’t spoken about. Your child cannot understand the hopes, dreams, responsibilities and regrets which go with conceiving, carrying and having children and guiding and nurturing them over decades. (Maybe when they have children of their own.) Many young adults understandably focus on the (usually) little that went wrong in childhood rather than the much that went right.

For all involved

Here’s the ABCDEF of handling value clashes in parent/young adult relationships.

Acknowledge the clash of new and old values; be Aware.

Blame no-one. This naturally happens.

Calmly Communicate the Clash: It’s just a clash of values, dad!

Discuss the situation to help understand and accept.

Empathize. Aim to say me too! I want to get past this too!

Feelings underneath need to Feel as Fine as they can.

When discussing value clashes, remember that:

Clashes batter family relationships like storms batter trees.

Yet storms can strengthen trees.

A sudden lightning bolt or strong gust can snap a tree.

Discuss your concerns like a gentle to firm breeze.

Don’t drop a lightning bolt secret or thunderous criticism.

Aim, as far as you can, to speak truth kindly and to be truthfully kind.

Also, BE CALM

BEgin by affirming your relatedness; BE ready to accept & understand.

Choose time and space Conducive to Conversation.

Ask What’s going right in our relationship and what’s not?

            Listen. Listen. Listen.

Move forward by trying to accept.

Parent-adult child value clashes ring out with past love and regret but can move forward in harmonious music.