Value clashes! … what do you mean??
This is the first in a series of eight posts on Clashing Values: in personal relationships, between parents and adult children, in friendships, with adult siblings, in-laws, in the workplace, and in society.
Values clash all the time and we hate the conflict it causes.
I want to spend time at home, she wants to go out and visit friends.
I want us to eat healthily, he wants to let loose.
Mum expects a big present this year (& every year), but money’s tight.
My colleagues want to sit and chat while I need to get this work done.
I used to like my sister, but now she hangs out with people I don’t understand.
My friends want to fund-raise while I just need us to relax and have fun.
Your folks plan way ahead, mine are spontaneous, we’re stuck in the middle.
You say to prioritize health, I say we keep the economy open and have fun!
There are so many seemingly unresolvable values clashes, from small to large, from family to society, from insignificant to really important. We face them every day.
All of us.
I’ve talked a lot about values: knowing, committing to and living from your personal values to guide your goals, priorities and decisions. Values are an essential feature of many psychology systems: ACT, Narrative Therapy, Positive Psychology, Couple’s Therapy and even Psychodynamic Therapy and Forgiveness Therapy. Values are a guide, a moral compass to help you negotiate life.
Fine. But what do I do when my values clash with somebody else’s?
In our twenty-first century, we all value world peace, homeland security, happiness, liberty, economic prosperity and eradicating coronavirus. Most of us value fun, loving relationships, equal opportunity, and commitment to excellence. But things get murkier when we’re under pressure and need to choose between competing values:
doing tasks over being with people,
making more money over making more friends,
being kind over being honest,
being fun and spontaneity over being careful and considerate,
and the vexed question of how big a present to give at birthdays.
Values can be in harmony or they can be dissonant and clash. It’s natural to share values but, in a world of increasing diversity, cross-fertilization and individual independence, it’s also natural for them to clash. Because it’s natural, it doesn’t need to be resolved, but it does need to be handled. Misunderstandings and hurt can leave people close to you in tears or societal groups tearing us in different directions.
Values are very different to goals. Goals may be SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic & time-limited) but values are BUILT.
Broad: they reflect big ideals.
Unmeasurable: like love, beauty, honesty and integrity.
Idealistic: you reach and strive for them without quite getting there.
Lived-out: they’re expressed in your daily life.
Timeless: they tend to change little in you over the years.
They guide you individually in your goals, priorities and decisions but you definitely will encounter others with different values.
CLASH!! It feels horrible.
In coming posts I will look at the ABC’s of getting past values clashes; the solutions to help manage this. In preparation, be aware of and understand your own values. How are you going understand other people’s values if you don’t know your own? Know at least your top twenty. Do this by taking time to consider these four questions:
What motivates me?
What do I most admire in myself and others?
What do I believe is the “right thing” for me to do?
When do I feel most fulfilled and full of self-respect?
Also, be aware of your attitude to things like prioritizing tasks over people, planning ahead over being spontaneous, being kind over being honest, doing the “right thing” over making allowances; and be aware of the values you gained from your parents. This will prepare you for understanding and accepting others.
Like two colors that don’t quite work together, or two musical notes that sound discordant, sometimes you can ease the tension of the clash, but always you’ll just need to understand and accept it. What’s important are the feelings underneath. It’s also important that relationships and friendships flourish rather than fail. (That’s part of my values, anyway.)
Be aware of your values.
Understand & accept that others’ values differ.
No need to live by another’s values; be true to your own.
Others won’t live by your values; they’ll be true to their own.
Make sure that feelings underneath are OK.
Value clashes and cymbal crashes can add to the music of life, but too much is too much.