Value clashes in friendships
Good friendships are hard to come by so they’re worth keeping and nurturing. A clash of values brings conflict and, in too many cases, it ends the friendship when not handled well.
Brain development and friendship
Many friendships are made in childhood, teenage and young adult years when we’re intellectually and emotionally open to exploring other people and the world. To aid in this, and for the incredible amount of learning needed to be a mature adult, young brains, up until about 12 years, are dominated by alpha electrical waves. These help absorb information uncritically from the outside world. Children can learn languages, concepts, skills, sports and more very quickly. Alpha waves also mean that children accept other people as friends more easily. From about 12 years on, however, beta brain waves predominate; these are more suited to critically judgment. In beta waves, our brain effectively scrutinizes incoming information to decide if it suits our already-established world-view. This means we also become less accepting of others as close friends.
Add to this the development of the frontal lobe. It takes care of executive functions: planning, judgment, self-monitoring, impulse inhibition and attention to detail. The frontal lobe matures at about 25 years of age. For about twelve years before that, there’s rewiring, pruning and chemical changes in the brain. This leaves adolescents prone to violence, accidents, not appreciating limits, and being more open to sexual invitations, different beliefs and substance abuse. That’s why car insurance premiums are high for under 25 year olds. To guide us, we’re given personal values by parents, schools, religious institutions and the law to protect against too many mishaps.
A mature frontal lobe is also more judgmental about who we allow as a friend. The older we become, the more set in our ways and the less open to others. Friendships formed after about 30 years old are increasingly made with people who we easily accept: from a similar socio-economic status, belief system, professional or leisure-time interests. This means less challenge to our established views.
Friendship closeness
At almost any age, however, people can become friends. Strangely, the closer the friendship, the more it is prone to conflict. (To avoid conflict in life, don’t talk to anyone.) Getting to know someone means naturally uncovering conflict; things you disagree about. The more someone truthfully shares themselves, the more chance of unearthing a values clash: so what do you think of this (political idea, religious system, societal trend, way of handling life)?
If you want real closeness with people, be ready to have your core values challenged and questioned. It’s uncomfortable. Not everybody can respectfully handle difference of opinion, belief and values. Unfortunately, because of this, many friendships end or friends just loose touch.
Some friends are there for a reason
Some for a season
And some for a lifetime.
Handling friendship value clashes
Be aware of your friend’s values.
Understand & accept your own values.
No need to live by a friend’s values; be true to yours.
Don’t expect a friend to live by yours; they’ll stay true to theirs.
Here’s the ABCDEF of handling value clashes in friendships.
Acknowledge and be Aware of the clash.
Blame no-one.
Calmly Communicate the Clash: so, even friends can clash.
Discuss the clash to help understand and accept.
Empathize. I would like us to get past this. (Me too!)
Feelings underneath need to Feel Fine as Friends.
Some useful phrases for discussing value clashes with a friend.
So, we’re finally close enough as friends to have this clash.
Let me listen to your point of view one more time.
You may not convince me, but I want to understand you.
I accept what you’re saying for you, but it’s not for me.
One of my values is friendship, so I value you.
I don’t want this to get in the way of our friendship.
I feel the same way.
Another thing we can agree on: we disagree on this.
Remember that
Clashes batter friendships like storms batter trees.
Yet storms strengthen trees.
A sudden lightning bolt or strong gust can snap a tree.
Discuss your concerns like a gentle to firm breeze.
Don’t drop a lightning bolt secret or thunderous criticism.
Aim, as far as you can, to speak truth kindly and to be truthfully kind.
Also, when discussing value clashes, BE CALM
BEgin by affirming the friendship; BE ready to accept & understand.
Choose a time and space Conducive to Conversation.
Ask What’s going right in our friendship and what’s not?
Listen. Listen. Listen.
Move forward by accept the difference; agree to disagree.
Friendship values clashes lean on understanding and acceptance to move forward into a harmonious future with splashes of dissonance.