Do I have a real friendship?
During this Covid time, it’s great to have real friends. But many of us are finding that we don’t have as many friends as we would have liked; we’ve put time into other pursuits or life had become so busy that we’ve been living “past” our friends. Some people think they have 900+ friends (and counting). Others think they have only eight or ten.
But how can you tell who is a real friend and who isn’t?
Lydia thought she had a group of real friends. We hang out a lot together and talk about movies and fashions. But things got cold when I needed a bit more understanding about the particular demands Covid placed on me at work. It’s complex but they just didn’t accept my point of view and basically told me I shouldn’t feel the way I did.
Faced with a conflict of values, Lydia’s “friends” left her out in the cold and it took a few weeks for her to feel part of the group again. Yet when she talked it through with childhood buddy Seb, he really listened to try to understand where Lydia was coming from. Not many people like Seb, but I’m appreciating him more. I’m finding out that we don’t always have to agree for our friendship to continue.
Josh, too thought he had friends. But when he announced to his team of potpals that he was giving up the weed, they never returned his calls and never invited him to music or gaming nights. Except for Max, who a few weeks later, called to say how much he admired him and asked Josh for help to give up weed as well. Together they supported each other’s decision to quit and spent time sharing music and gaming just the two of them.
Picking up from ideas in The Seven Love Types, lets take a closer look at Philia friendship-love versus the many acquaintances you may have who you hang around with because you just happen to share things you like.
Philia is the Ancient Greek word for friendship affection. The affection can be shared interests, experiences, values or it can cross generations to reach beyond having “things in common.” It can even be a friendship between rivals. Most often, however, friendships are based in “things common.”
But some people don’t have a real friendship, they have acquaintances with whom they share epithumia. Epithumia is Greek for liking-love. We can like music, basketball, home made pies, a political party, anything. We often hang around people who share these same likes as we do and we often think they are real friends. But so often, they are “friends” ONLY because of the things in common: the “thing” is more important than the people sharing it. When that thing is taken away or when conflict arises, the relationship ends rather than endures. It’s epithumia liking-love not philia friendship-love.
Epithumia “common likes” can get extreme, like gangsters in the same gang in a movie. They “like” each other and even feign “friendship” because of their mutual criminal gain and loyalty to the boss. But as soon as the cops rush in, the gangsters begin to turn on each other. We, the audience always knew there wasn’t real friendship.
Ideally …
A real friendship endures.
A real friendship endures conflict and criticism.
Real friends often agree to disagree.
Anyone can sweet-talk you, but it takes a real friend to criticize you (gently).
A real friend will give you friendship-love without giving obligatory “likes”.
A real friend listens to understand your point of view, even if it conflicts with theirs.
A real friend sticks by you when others leave you in the lurch.
A real friend will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.
A real friend isn’t around you for your money, looks or popularity.
A real friend wants the best for you.
A real friend will help you off the drugs even if they’re still on them.
A real friend will help you bury the body (just kidding).
Don’t trade your love for likes. One real friend is worth so much more than 10,000 likes. If you can count one or two people as real friends in your life, you’re doing pretty damn well in this world.