3 Types of Control in Relationships
Do you have someone close who is controlling? Are you controlling? If so, here are some practical ways of moving from being a controller to being an encourager.
As a psychiatrist, I have worked a lot with control issues. People with OCD can be controlling due to anxiety and intense obsessions. More often, they, like people suffering from anorexia or schizophrenia, feel controlled by their illness. Past trauma can led people to be controlling to make up for when they were being abusively controlled. I also see the extreme ends of the permissive-controlling spectrum in people: permissive parents, who don’t control their children to parents who control a child’s every step. In relationships, some people let their partners walk all over them (permissive) or are overly demand (controlling).
Where are you on the permissive—————————controlling spectrum?
Control can be abusive: the man who controls his partner’s time, money, movements and opinions. Females too can be abusively controlling. In decades gone by, many women developed an uncanny ability to control and emotionally manipulate their partners to make up for an inherent gender power imbalance.
Controlling a person you love, is the antithesis of love. Real love exists in freedom. Still, many people do it, control others, in a bid to get their own needs met. We each have enormous influence on the people we love, and this is best used wisely. We greatly affect each other; we are feeling human beings.
I’ll introduce you to three types of control in personal relationships.
1. Controlling others for your own gain.
2. Controlling because “I just can’t help myself.”
3. Controlling others for the greater good.
Controlling others for your own gain
This is a real problem. The intention behind this type of control is “how can I make them do what I want them to?” In its extreme form it’s abusive and criminal, in its milder form it’s only obnoxious. Many people have techniques to look innocent on the outside while secretly pushing through their agenda in money, sex, relationship priorities, socializing, family politics or getting attention. It hurts.
When both people are strong and controlling, it becomes an intense arm-wrestle: both exerting energy and don’t budge until tension rises and rises until someone’s arm breaks.
To move away from this, we need to curb natural selfishness. Ideally in a relationship, your job is to love your partner the way they need and want to be loved. Their job is to do the same for you. That’s a tall order, it takes effort and selflessness from both. Try.
The love is in the trying.
If you are a controlling person, statements like the following can transform your relationship:
“I used to control you by … but now I’m trying to give that up.”
“I’m trying to let you be the you you want to be.”
“I want to let you have more of what you want in our relationship.
“I’m trying to encourage you to be you, rather than control you.”
Saying these things may encourage your partner to fulfil your needs more, because they’re touched by your love and honesty. (But don’t use that to control them.)
By really meaning things like this, two people who used to be in an intense arm wrestle of control will let go of the tension, let go of the battle, and let go of the need to win, without letting go of the hands they fell in love with. They can hold hands tenderly and work together to fulfil each other’s needs. This is win/win.
Controlling because “I just can’t help myself”
Controlling can be habit or a personality trait. The intention behind this type of control is “I can’t help it, I’m driven to be like this, you have to do things the way I want them done!”
After living independently for years, it can be difficult to adjust to a relationship: sharing, caring, considering another, and knowing that you affect someone just by breathing, speaking or moving. “Stubborn” may just be the habit of considering yourself only. The habit can be broken by meetings (even daily) where both people share hopes, dreams, hurts, regrets, needs and assumptions; and they forge common values. We all do life differently, so we have to let it show and negotiate it.
Have meetings together to learn to do life together.
Then there’s personality: controlling others can be “extended perfectionism:”
“My perfectionism is so strong that it includes you!”
“I need to do things this way because my perfectionism demands it, and you’ll have to them this way too!”
Overcoming this control means overcoming perfectionism in you. And perfectionism, like any personality trait, is just a very deeply ingrained habit. You’ll need to become flexible, laugh more, aim to make mistakes, admit to personal flaws, and more (see my info on this).
Learn to make perfectionism work for you, not against you.
Controlling others for the greater good
Even permissive parents are controlling. Why? Because it’s their responsibility to turn a vulnerable child into a mature adult. That takes control. My four-year-old son told me that he was safe playing on the road because he could outrun any car. Did you think I controlled him? You bet I did! For his good and the greater good. He is now a healthy, productive twenty-six-year-old. The intention behind this type of control is “I love you and I want the best for you.”
We can control others for their greater good.
In a relationship, it’s not our responsibility to parent the other person. But we see their potential, good, and gifts, and we can encourage these. We also see their blind-spots and flaws and, very gently, we can help polish them. Not by being a parent, but by gently and kindly showing guiding love (see my 7 love types).
It feels terrible being controlled, but it feels wonderful for someone to want to encourage the best in you. It feels horrible being manipulated, but awesome for someone to draw out your strengths. It feels awful to be at the behest of someone’s will and whims, but fantastic to know that you’re a better person because someone is on your side. This is not control, it is the encouragement of mentorship, of guiding love. It gives for both to get better.
Two heads are better than one.
If you are a controller type 1 or 2, aim for type 3 “controlling [encouraging] for the greater good.” Others will thank you for. Give kind, gentle, helpful suggestions rather than bold, intrusive my-way-or-the-highway or I’ll-tell-you-know-what-you-need demands. Move from control and manipulation to encouragement, guidance and help to allow freedom. And let them guide, help, encourage and free you. That way you’ll be on the same side.
You and me against the world.