Seven Love Types (Part 2) Love #1: Epithumia (Liking-love) and some sex
In these posts, we’re looking at Seven Love Types:
Epithumia, liking-love,
Xenia, hospitality-love,
Storge, belonging-love,
Philia, friendship-love,
Eros, romantic-love,
Agape, giving-love, and
Mentor. guiding-love.
Epithumia is the ‘desire’ or ‘liking’ we can do to anything. Understanding epithumia will help us understand a few things about love in general and a few things about sex as well. We’ll also look at knowing your epithumia loves (sometimes too much).
Ancient Greek epithumia means “having affection for” and “feeling desirous towards;” desire, fondness and liking. You can epithumia people, animals, golf, a hobby or life itself. You can epithumia someone you don’t have much of a connection with, from a cousin you see every month to a celebrity you never meet. You like them or you can be totally infatuated by them. You can know a lot about them without a real relationship with them. It’s like they’re an object; impersonal. It’s just epithumia.
Liking sex
You can epithumia sex with or without love. The brain is designed to like it very much.
Allyson (from last post) felt epithumia, liking-love for sex, drugs and shoes. Many people mix up love and sex, or left and right, but shoes are usually OK. Physical sensations, hormones and brain chemicals are so strong and feel so good that we think it is love (sex, not a pair of shoes). It’s powerful.
When someone says I love having sex what does that mean? At least three different things:
I like sex (with anyone);
I like sex with a particular person (without necessarily loving that person); and
I love the person in a special way and sex is an expression of that love.
You can mean any two or all three of these at the same time but don’t mix up the meanings! The first two are epithumia – liking sex – the third is romantic love, sexual expression with epithumia enjoyment thrown in. Knowing these differences helps our understanding of the emotions surrounding sex. Sex feels so good that a lot of people think it must be love. That good feeling is epithumia:
I epithumia sex.
I epithumia having sex with that person.
I’m in love, oh, and, by the way, the sex is great!
Epithumia tells us about love
Many people epithumia chocolate: I like chocolate heaps. You may epithumia a lot of things that I don’t, and vice versa. That’s OK, we are all unique. Your epithumia liking-loves can be positive or negative, uplifting or derailing, helpful or harmful: work, money, football, power, drugs, ice-hockey, gossiping, animals, stealing, celebrities, movies, social media, hurting people … anything.
From epithumia, liking-love, we learn that all love is a power with strength and direction and is aimed at someone or something. We also learn that we can love something negative or even harmful to us. In epithumia, you choose the direction. This is not the case for all love types, but all love has strength and direction.
From epithumia liking-love, we also learn how changeable love can be; fickle. You can epithumia something and then, for no reason, not epithumia it any more. Epithumia love can change strength and direction as you please. What does it matter when it doesn’t involve another person, right? But what if a person is involved? This is very different to the eros romantic-love of, say, Romeo and Juliet; it was powerful, enduring, and had consequences on them and others. So commitment and responsibility are part of love’s equation, especially when it comes to loving people.
Lust is “epithumia liking-love for sex” and we can easily change the person of our lust’s desire. It is fickle and fleeting. If you‘re in a relationship based entirely on epithumia liking-love for sex, then changing partners isn’t a big deal, but try severing a six-year romantic relationship to feel the pain and complex consequences.
Too much epithumia?
People often spend too much time with their liking-loves. Epithumia loves always feel good but they can become an obsessional indulgence: internet gaming, gambling, alcohol or drugs. Pleasurable liking-loves can become addictions. This is a danger for many young adults I have worked with; the pressure of leaving home, finding a niche, and searching for lasting love leaves them vulnerable to isolation, loneliness and rejection. Epithumia liking-loves try to fill the gap. Can you have pleasure without pain?
Keep your liking-loves in perspective.
Julia became obsessed with an online fantasy game. The freedom she felt from choosing an avatar, entering a magical world, and interacting with other people was intoxicating. I just can’t wait to get home from college and get back into it. I feel so alive in that world. So real. Her online experiences stood in contrast to her college and home life. Online fun or real-life loneliness? The game was seriously eating into her sleep, she was failing and her parents persuaded her to seek help. But I don’t want help, Julia explained, I’m really enjoying it. I don’t even want to cut down. I want us to work on how I can keep playing this game for eight hours a day and still pass.
I couldn’t help her keep her epithumia obsession.
As epithumia liking-loves can be negative or positive, know your priorities: keep people and life-duties before your liking-loves. Julia neglected life for her avatar. What you love becomes a priority, but choose wisely. Your brain can like both people and cocaine, but one may win out and take over.
Do I know my liking-loves?
Ask yourself
What do I really like?
Where do I find energy?
What do I daydream about?
These questions will help you know your genuine liking-loves to accept and express yourself. Avoid liking-love obsessionality by keeping healthy perspective (addictions start out as epithumia liking-loves, but they take over and derail your life). People, personal growth and life duties leading to long-term contentment (like work and study) are more important than transient pleasures. You can have both.
Having common epithumia likes enhances any relationship. Friendship is often based on things people like together; you get on better with a parent or child through common interests; and shared epithumia interests are a large part of romantic relationships (just listen to Baby I’m perfect for You One Direction/Paul Laone and Rupert Holmes’s Escape, the pina colada Song.
Why mix up epithumia with other loves?
When we are infatuated with someone, even a local celebrity, we may mistake our epithumia liking-love for romantic love. Liking someone’s hair or how well they play tennis is not a basis for a lasting relationship, but it may be the initial attraction. Just because we like someone doesn’t mean we love them, care for them, or have to have sex with them. It’s a different love.
Epithumia gets mixed up with friendship-love. If a friend who shares basketball with you, you may think you’ve lost a friend if they’re no longer into basketball, but genuine friendships work through that.
The instant pleasure of your epithumia can skew your life priorities. Relationships with people alway require effort. The temptation is to neglect people for epithumia pleasure. Keep perspective.
Epithumia liking-loves shape your life. Each liking-love has its healthy place. Enjoy them without letting them get in the way of your long-term values. That’s harnessing the power of love to enjoy your life.
Love to you!
