Seven Love Types (Part 3) Love #2: Xenia (Hospitality-love)

We’re looking at the second of Seven Love Types:

Epithumia, liking-love,

Xenia, hospitality-love,

Storge, belonging-love,

Philia, friendship-love,

Eros, romantic-love,

Agape, giving-love, and

Mentor. guiding-love.

Except for family members, everyone in this world starts out as a stranger to you. You had to first get to know your love-partner, friends and colleagues. Xenia, hospitality-love, is all about showing love to strangers so they may become friends.

Xenia (Hospitality-love)

As a doctor, I’ve worked a lot in hospitals: diagnosing, treating, stitching up wounds, and, as a psychiatrist, treating psychosis, depression and bipolar. Hospitals extend hospitality by hosting strangers in a hospitable environment. The Latin root hos means “stranger” or “foreigner.” Xena in Ancient Greek meant “stranger.” Xenia hospitality-love, is giving love to strangers. Xenophobia is a fear of strangers while xenophilia is enjoying foreigners and foreign customs.

We all like feeling welcomed and accepted; part of the human herd. When foreigners are hospitable, extend a welcoming hand, or help, it feels great. The world’s diplomacy and ambassador system involves xenia hospitality-love and formality, rules and rituals.

Social rituals

To “break the ice” we socialize using rules and rituals: polite questions, pleasant half-smiles and drinks in hand to help overcome anxiety. People feel comfortable with a food in belly and drink in hand: less irritable, more accepting. It’s better than getting to know hungry strangers with weapons in hand.

Offering a drink is good hospitality-love: calming, relaxing and slow. Many rituals surround tea-drinking: preparing the tea, waiting to be served, drinking at a relaxed pace, admiring cups and saucers, tasting and appreciating, exchanging tea preferences, observing proper placement of cups, saucers, pinkies and so forth. Rituals take time and promote safe, friendly small-talk and goodwill through unwritten rules encouraging familiarity. Strangers feel united over tea, beer, wine or coffee as they negotiate becoming friends or business partners. Rules and rituals vary from drink to drink, country to country, and person to person.

Alcohol is relaxing and makes it harder to concentrate on using weapons. It’s no coincidence we socialize with alcohol. With a little alcohol, we safely share xenia goodwill and hospitality-love, with too much well … you know. People often take offense at others who don’t drink alcohol: You don’t drink alcohol!!! Don’t you like me? Don’t we have things in common? Maybe I’ll need my weapons!

Hospitality to strangers

Hospitality for travelers used to be a matter of survival. The Ancient Greek god Zeus Xenios was protector of travelers. According to hospitality rules, a householder was to give food and shelter to travelling strangers before asking probing questions. This ensured that xenia kindness was given freely. Asking whose side were you on in the Peloponnesian war? was never a good idea. If you found out that you were hosting influential people, your food offerings would be seen as networking rather than loving hospitality. Strangers were expected to bring gifts. To this day, we bring token gifts to dinner parties in honor of an Ancient Greek custom.

Giving flowers, sharing dinners, meeting parents and other out-moded dating rituals served a purpose: to help two people move from being strangers to becoming familiar. Dating rituals allow for safe observation of strengths and weaknesses before sharing body fluids. How polite is he? Can she get on socially? Do I want to go the next step? This is xenia respect.

During my time in Brisbane, the city experienced a devastating flood. Lives were lost. In the aftermath, teams of people marched into strangers’ homes to help clean up. Through the hospitality-love of “The Mud Army” a city got back up. Crises often bring out the best hospitality-love: evacuating people, hosting people, and coordinating post-tsunami and Covid-19 aid efforts. I know one couple who live close to a notorious suicide cliff-face. They find someone wanting to end it all, invite them in for a meal, a talk, offer shelter, or give a car-ride to assistance. Suicidal people can have a change of heart when someone cares and shows it. Xenia hospitality-love saves lives. It’s what so many charities do: volunteers going the extra mile to restore hope. Xenia hospitality-love, you don’t need any particular skills to share it; just willingness.

How do we mix up xenia with other loves?

- Unfortunately, people may exploit others in need; corruption is alive and well; care must be taken.

- Just because someone doesn’t adhere to social rules and rituals doesn’t mean they don’t like you, maybe they just don’t like your rules or don’t know them.

- You don’t need to like someone to xenia love them.

- There are misunderstandings. One person thinks they should know we never touch alcohol! The other thinks it’s rude of them not to accept my wine! One thinks how can we relax in a place that’s so dirty? The others say we’re so easy-going, if they can’t relax here where can they relax? After a meal, one thinks how rude, he just belched! The others think how rude, he didn’t belch! This will always be a part of xenia and it doesn’t mean that people ‘hate’ each other.

Misunderstandings can be overcome with knowledge, understanding, patience and goodwill. In a society with increasing cross-cultural connections, cultivating more hospitality-love is important: giving directions, spending time with neighbors, and sharing tea. Learn the rules. Xenia hospitality permeates Pocahontas and the Thanksgiving Pilgrims’ story. Charitable xenia love will always be needed, even internationally.

A nation’s greatness is measured by how it treats its weaker members. (Gandhi)

Safely cultivate xenia hospitality-love to strangers by talking, making eye contact and smiling when appropriate. Within a drink or two, strangers become friends.

Love to you!