Seven Love Types (Part 5) LOVE #4: Philia (Friendship-love)
We’re continuing a series of posts on Seven Love Types:
Epithumia, liking-love,
Xenia, hospitality-love,
Storge, belonging-love,
Philia, friendship-love,
Eros, romantic-love,
Agape, giving-love, and
Mentor. guiding-love.
Philia, the Ancient Greek word for affection, is the chosen love of friendship. Philadelphia means “affection (phil) among brothers (adelphos),” philosophy is “affection (phil) for wisdom (sophis),” hydrophilic means “water (hydro) affection (phil),” being a Francophile means “French-things affection.” The affection of philia friendship-love can be shared interests, experiences, values or more. It can cross generations and is, in essence, non-sexual.
Friendships
For years I treated Darren for schizophrenia. Often, he would come to see me with his best friend, Rowan. People think we’re gay because we spend so much time together. Rowan’s wife will tell you we’re not. I met Rowan while serving in Afghanistan. I trust him. They shared storge belonging-love from army days, but their philia friendship was based on fitness, psychological thrillers and shared experiences. When Darren is unwell, he truly believes he is a military general ready to conquer the world. Rowan saw the devastation first hand. Rowen is Darren’s greatest ally to get him treatment. If Rowan says I need treatment, I know it’s true.
Many people tell me they are afraid to develop deep friendships. These days, people get the wrong idea. Pity. There is nothing wrong with entering into an affectionate friendship without it being sexual; this is philia. There is also nothing wrong entering a sexual relationship, this is eros. The two are very different. No need to get them mixed up. If the question of sex arises in a friendship, open, honest, caring communication can help avoid misunderstandings.
Pioneer psychiatrists Sigmund Freud and Karl Jung began a philia friendship that spanned their 19 year age gap with shared interests, brilliant thinking and provocative ideas. But something happened. Young-boy Jung developed theories that went against Freud’s and they never spoke again. That wasn’t philia friendship-love, it was shallow ego stroking.
Even apparent enemies can share friendship. There was some philia between the late anti-theist Christopher Hitchens and evangelical Reverend Douglas Wilson whose USA debating tour Was Christianity of any Use to Humankind? included fierce fire-power against each other’s view. Off-stage, however, they respected each other and shared common interests enough to share a friendship to transcended differences. This often happens among politicians and leaders but we don’t get to hear about it.
Intense rivals often have strong friendships, take tennis rivals Roger Federer and Raphael Nadal. As Federer explains:
We’re good friends off the court, because we have shared special moments … [and] charity games for his foundation and matches for my foundation. [Express 28/2/2018]
The basis of their friendship? Shared experiences, mutual respect, common epithumia pursuits, trust, and common personalities traits. We’re impressed when rivals are friends because friendship can easily be destroyed by rivalry, intrigues and the immature one-upmanship games of a social dominance hierarchy.
“Friends with benefits”
These arrangements are not eros romances, they are friendships. They cleverly aim to answer the question of sexual expression in a complex world where trust, safety and meaning are sometimes lacking. I have known some to go on for many years and they are found in people of all ages but mostly among young adults: studies show that 50-60% of college-aged people experience these relationships. The sexual union, however, can often arouse intense feelings of love that neither party may anticipate. This can lead to understandably hurtful complications: one person thinks they are in a personal love relationship or denies these feelings while the other thinks this is “only” a friendship. Thus what makes them an attractive option is also what makes them complex. Talking things through sensitively helps, but this is not always possible and, studies show, is rarely done. The philia is the friendship, the sexual expression may lead to eros romance or eros feelings but the two are entirely separate love types. Negotiating the complexities can strain the friendship.
Understanding philia
Flattery or mutual ego stroking is sometimes mistaken for friendship, but true friendship always wishes another person well. All genuine love does.
If you like someone as a friend, you don’t have to be sexual with them. Too many people avoid friendships because they fear misunderstandings or judgments in this area. Eros and philia are different love types. The aim to trust rather than to fear.
Understand what the basis of your friendship is: common epithumia interests, storge belonging, mentorship, mutual benefit, business, whatever.
Many couples do not know how to grow friendship-love or other love types in their relationship; they then miss out on the satisfaction of these to enhance their eros relationship.
A parent may feel a strong philia connection with one child or share common epithumia pursuits. They often feel guilty, thinking they’re playing favorites. The storge love however is for all family members; philia is different. This needs to be articulated and understood.
To get more philia friendship-love in your life, be vulnerable and trusting: disclose more, listen more, and spend more time with people. Children have this worked out, they don’t waste time, they simply ask will you be my friend? They take the risk that a friendship may develop.
Be a friend to gain a friend. Philia love is powerful and worthwhile.
Love to you.